So here we are in 2012, taking our first steps into a year that is synonymous with both the Olympics and the end of the world – two reasons to be nervous.
Commentators have treated the year 2012 with such distant and hallowed reverence that it seems they might scarcely believe it has actually come about. Wikipedia intriguingly suggests that the “Earth and its inhabitants may undergo a positive physical or spiritual transformation, and that it may mark the beginning of a new era”. Exciting, ay? Still, I’m not sure I’m ready – we’ve only just finished Christmas.
Maybe they’re suggesting we’re all going to grow new legs and turn into amazingly athletic super-duper-uber-humans. Now call me cynical, but I do hold some reservations – last night I saw a girl leaning against a wall, barely coping on two legs, trying to comb her hair with a chip fork. I’m just not entirely sure our species is next in line for an evolutionary leap.
But if you’re going out of your mind with angst, rest assured – preparations have long been underway – for the Olympics I mean, not the end of the world. So make yourself a cup of tea and relax.
The 70-day and 8000 mile tour of the Olympic torch has had it’s route confirmed and all is well – just so long as Boris Johnson doesn’t sweep in on his bike, snatch the torch and ride bellowing “I am Zeus, bow at my altar”. It could happen. Just ask the bookies.
A spare Olympic flame is being kept inside the Queen’s handbag just in case the torch goes out at the last minute – or she fancies a fag during the proceedings.
The Olympic Legacy is being fastidiously cared for like a baby puppy so to bequeath future generations with a warm and fuzzy feeling for the rest of eternity.
Finally, HMS Ocean will be sitting on the Thames prepared and armed with powerful Puma and Lynx helicopters – just to ensure our nation doesn’t run short of sports clothes and deodorant.
So all is set and ready, except, well, I don’t mean to sound negative but to echo Woody Allen’s thoughts on death, “I’m not afraid of 2012, I just don’t want to be there when it happens”. I heard that with the collective weight of all the visitors, London is going to sink by several metres causing the banks of the Thames to break.
But right now the question on everyone’s mind is – ‘will our opening ceremony match up to Beijing’s?’ Well, they may be one of the most dynamic nations on earth, but Newham council has been known to throw quite a firework display themselves you know. Besides, if the Chinese got away with superimposing extra special effects, with additional “oo’s” and “ah’s”, over the top of theirs before it was transmitted to the rest of the world, can we not insert the Princes playing Quidditch or Churchill lighting the Olympic flame with his cigar into ours? I’m sure Danny Boyle can pull something out of the bag.
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