Watching day time television is like having your brain slowly drip out of your ear. This is thought to be caused by Noel Edmunds face. A plausible notion I think. I can’t stand his face and that’s all there is to it. In fact the whole program is a joke. It’s a circus – a pathetic farce. If you actually were to choose to join a cult, would you really choose Noel Edmunds as your leader. That stupid and smug attempt at mystique is only in reality likely to attract the feeblest of minds. Every single show is as meaningless as the last, but nobody ever seems to notice. Worship the boxes. What does the banker say? Bow to the banker. “It’s a very generous offer Mr. Banker, but I’m afraid no deal!” APPLAUSE!! CHEERS!!! Whoop!!SIT DOWN!!Then you’ve got Jeremy Kyle – he’s like the Gordon Ramsey of therapy. First he’s all “WHY DON’T YOU GROW UP AND GROW SOME MATE…… BE A MAN!”, and then he starts playing mind games on them with “actually you know what I really respect you”. His programme is like a septic pond filled with drowning flies. Tune into ‘Jezza’ to watch ‘My mum is having an affair with my brother! It’s got to stop or I will leave the family!’I flick through the channels with apoplectic fury, thumping my thumbs onto the remote as it flicks through one smug show after another. Why am I doing this to myself? The Wright Stuff – just take that smirk off your face for crying out loud, what are you smiling at?! Even Countdown which was once a cornerstone of daytime television is now just an endless ticking which only reminds you as you lie horizontally on the sofa that your life is slipping away in ever more dramatic increments. Oh and don’t even get me started on Loose Women – a bunch of middle-aged women discussing their latest toy-boys and sharing “edgy” jokes with a male guest. “Am I right ladies?”And then you have the adverts which are even worse. “I dislocated my right shoulder in an accident at work”. I don’t care, go on Jeremy Kyle. Every single advert is for insurance or lawyers or some sort of service that you just don’t need. Everyone’s trying to lure you into giving them money. The worst thing I’ve seen is probably Quick Quid. A cheery voice comes on the screen and says “Do you need a couple of quid to tide you over till the end of the month? No worries, I’ll lend you a fiver mate”, then just as you’re saying to yourself “oh thanks very much”, they come back with “just a typical 2360% apr”. If you take that loan you’re likely to be paying it back for the rest of your life. Or ‘Cash Your Gold’ which acts as if they’ve only just discovered that gold is worth something – “Just send us all your priceless heirlooms and we’ll give you a few extra quid to spend on cigarettes and scratch cards, you’d like that wouldn’t you?”
The fact is if you succumb to the box during the day you’re likely to lose a good portion of it only to emerge lethargic, depressed and full of regret. Think of all the things you could be doing out in the sun, like playing with a frisbee or taking a walk. You could go for a cycle ride or have a game of football or play tennis or……. um…… oh I don’t know, something else. Do I have to give you all the answers? To be honest I’m a little tired out from watching Judge Judy all morning so leave me alone will you. Coach Trip is starting now so that should fill some time.