There’s idiots everywhere I look. We’re surrounded! The morons are taking over. It’s their society now.
Loudmouth swaggering arsewipes pouring out of pubs with heads denser than the earth’s core.
A host of simpletons, hooked on consumerism and superficial culture, detached from reality, following the latest trends in their constant quest for what is ‘cool’. Unable to restrain themselves, or defer sensory gratification for even one second.
Have you seen one? They don’t always look the same. You may have seen someone wearing a little yellow bowler hat trotting down the street with an affected limp. Or someone wearing shades on the underground with a hands-free in both ears. Don’t be fooled, you were right the first time. This person is an arsehole.
You may have seen them as you were driving in your car. They were the ones that started to cross really slowly in front of you, staring through the reflective glass to catch your eye, full of hubris, as if to say “yeah, I dare you to try and run me over”.
They may be dressed tightly in superdry gear playing with their straightened hair while they queue up for entry into vintage clothes shops that have a policy of one in one out. As if it’s an exclusive bar. It’s almost more important to be seen queuing than to actually shop there.
They drink in places called Dolce or Impresario.
They invent language to suit the moment. You may catch one of them exclaiming “Check out this new tune. It’s well functional!”. But it’s not. And things are ‘sikk’, because it’s cooler to spell it like that.
They will most likely address you as ‘Ace’ or ‘Boss’, or maybe ‘Geezer’. Or if you’re of the female persuasion perhaps ‘Girly’ or ‘Blondy’.
Life is a series of ‘good times’, ‘bad times’, ‘mediocre times’.
They think that Bond is ‘Ragga’ and that Transformers is ‘Bad!’ – but I’m sure we can all surely agree that “Bumblebee is a G”.
They ‘lol’ and make statements like ‘win’ or ‘epic fail’.
Their actions and behaviour are carefully tailored to impress the wider group.
Where’s the individuality people? That stupid little hat doesn’t make you unique. That clothing label called Chump isn’t supposed to be ironic. It’s you!
If you see one of these people, stay clear. It will only diminish your estimation of society and leave you forlornly searching for validation in the crowd.